Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Houston, we have a squirter
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
