It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i need some magic done to my vagina
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
