I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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