So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have fence marks all over my body
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
