I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
