So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
