girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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