i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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