captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
