he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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