Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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