You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
