I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
