We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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