i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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