Umm I'm too high to move.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
