Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
