i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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