just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize