So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
