She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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