If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
