I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I love you. Go after that dick
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
