Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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