YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
