Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
