Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
time to smoke my breakfast
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
