hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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