the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
