Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
