So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
