moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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