i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
