you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
FUCK WHALES
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
