All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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