He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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