even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
