he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so let's talk penis.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
