I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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