So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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