the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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