So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
