Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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