Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
