i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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