If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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