I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize