My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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