True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
