Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
