We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
