Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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