running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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