did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
