I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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