the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You may now shotgun with the bride
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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