I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
