She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
