textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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