Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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