The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
