i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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