That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
