I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
