Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
